I’ve always been “the mum”.

I’m organised, I’m bossy to a fault and I find myself concerned about people’s general wellbeing even though half the time I am out loud saying how much I hate people (don’t pretend you don’t too). Wait, what was that, you’re a doctor who interacts with people on a daily basis?

I was the one that my friends could always see having a baby, the one that would have kids first and when I had kids I wouldn’t stop until I managed a rugby team – or equal pairings at the theme parks

• One kid with two parents means you can’t go on a paired ride without someone missing out or being lonely
• Two kids means you can’t go on a three ride
• Three kids is uneven for any rides and what if it’s a four ride?
• Whereas four upwards is the perfect theme park number (can’t you tell, I’ve thought about this as much as young girls think about their wedding day)

When I found out I was pregnant my first thought was “crap”. Telling my partner was really nice because he was excited and at least one of us could be excited in the circumstances. But it has been pretty crappy being the douse to his flame – only to make sure we’re prepared in case anything bad happened. Yes, miscarriage is a real and common thing, my friends have had miscarriages, I’ve worked in the O&G (obstetrics and gynaecology) department. Maybe it’s not real until it happens to you, but everyone knows you keep it a secret until 12 weeks at least.

Honestly, truly… I am absolutely terrified. Terrified of having a tiny, precious life in my hands that is so breakable, terrified of leaving work, terrified of never having a descent sleep for the next thirty years (because did I mention my rugby team?). And to add the glazed cherry, that no-one actually likes to eat, to the top of a somewhat dense cake, I completely underestimated how I would feel in this situation – I’m supposed to be the mum. I’m the one that has longed for children, that couldn’t wait to be pregnant and start a family (but was super responsible, like a mum, and knew it wasn’t the right time and had managed to avoid having one any sooner), I was the one that cried for half an hour on the way to work last year because I got my period one morning during the honeymoon phase of our relationship and I had secretly hoped I was pregnant (I ended up having to leave early because I was so upset and couldn’t focus properly at work).

“”For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future”…” Jeremiah 29:11

For someone whose lifetime desire was to be the next octo-mum, who’d been psyching herself out for the last year about the realities of being a parent (as mentioned above) it’s like I’m questioning my own self – something that I’ve realistically been doing for years about everything else in life, but in this situation, having children was the one thing that was a certainty about me. How can I be a mum when I’ve thrust myself on to the non-stop pathway of actually becoming a mum and I suddenly realise…

I’m not ready.