My Not Pregnancy – Part 5

Disclaimer – I briefly reference abortion in this. I am both pro-life and pro-choice. I would never condone anyone for the choice they make when they find out they are pregnant. Each person is in completely different situations and I think people need to be compassionate and empathetic about other people’s circumstances whilst  simultaneously minding their own business. 

I am currently trying to come to terms with loss.

Not physical loss – loss of opportunities.

I’m starting to realise that once I have this baby, that’s me. I’m done. My complete and utter focus will be this child for the next five years, at least, until I find my feet and once I’ve found them (or probably before – no birth control whilst breast-feeding, thanks) I’ll be pumping out a sibling for this raspberry. Then another and probably another, because I want them to all have close friends (even if they can’t choose these ones)

Our move to Auckland was triggered by my partner’s job, but it was influenced by the possibility for opportunities. As a young Pasifika woman living in New Zealand, anything you could dream of, you could probably find in Auckland – if not, move across the ditch mate. Two things that I’ve held close to my heart, but I’ve really wanted to try are joining a Pacific Island dance group and being a part of fashion show – what?! Crazy! I know right? Who are you?

Well, as the city of moderate-amount-of-opportunity, it just so happened that one month before finding out I was pregnant I was successful cast as a model in the Pacific Fusion Fashion Show -held annually as a platform for Maori and Pacific fashion talent.

When I found out and, more or less, accepted I was pregnant, one of the things I realised was that it would be incredibly unlikely that the fashion show would want to keep me on as a model. I fantasised that maybe it would be a huge stance; ‘pregnant model owns the catwalk like a boss’ – because they kept me on (like it would happen in the movies, right?). I’ve waited till now to let them know because I wanted to be far along enough in my pregnancy to be fairly certain I wouldn’t miscarry, but early enough that they could organise a replacement if needed (I.e. if they crazily rejected my amazing, world-changing proposal!)

They said no. Unsurprisingly, let’s be honest. As something I’ve always wanted to try and having held onto this dream in my head for such a long time it’s been pretty disappointing. I know that baby’s are supposed to be a miracle (especially because I always wondered if I’d be infertile just because I’d alwayswanted babies so much – one of the very few, but thankful times I was wrong), but hello baby? Your timing is super off and now your limiting my opportunities. I would be lying if I said I haven’t briefly entertained the notion of abortion – honestly, who would ever not at least consider this if their baby was unplanned, even if it was the briefest second?

I think my disappointment with not being able to do this fashion show is also an outlet for all the opportunities, I’m starting to realise, I’ll miss now realise. I’m not going to be in an as-able position to do whatever I want to do. I’d just begun this journey of finding myself, exploring what I actually want to do in life, and not being afraid to just do it and now I’m stuck in this rather inflexible position. I guess it’s the not knowing as well. I don’t know how I’m going to cope when this baby is born. I don’t know if I’ll be so completely overwhelmed that I forgot self-grooming. I don’t know if I’ll develop postnatal depression and have difficulty bonding with my baby (woah, talking about infertility and post-natal depression – you allgood sis?). I don’t know if motherhood will just click for me or if I’ll have trouble breast-feeding and settling the baby or whether I’ll know which cries mean what like lots of mums say they do.

I just don’t know, how can anyone ever know?

And bringing it back to me, when will I be able to start looking for myself again?

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