Back to the real world and here we are on night shifts.
It’s week 11 and the nausea has been getting better, surely I can get my act together and start eating healthy now. As you might have noticed I’ve been living off pies, sausage rolls and juice so I really haven’t been getting my act together thus far. The menu for nights have consisted of soup and bread (the healthy soup in a packet not a can of course – I’m not an animal), peaches (in light juice, not syrup – I know you’re surprised at how health-conscious I am) and it’s a night shift so of course I need chocolate for snacking – I can’t let patients die because I’m having a hypoglycaemic episode (low blood sugar).
I think I’ve started experiencing baby brain. I’ve been doing some research and there’s no specific time when it starts and it’s questionable whether it’s a real thing, but I’m pretty sure I’ve got it. I’m usually super organised and really good at being aware of everything that is going on. I’ve been finding it harder to grasp ideas and fit them together properly. It’s hard to explain, but as someone who is alway put together, knows what time this is happening and knows how many people are required for that, it’s pretty weird and frustrating. After finishing my nights I had only three hours of sleep and a late night the next night so the following day I was pretty hungover from fatigue; forgetting words, stopping mid sentence because I couldn’t remember what I was talking about and I know what you’re thinking – that just sounds like being exhausted due to lack of sleep. Well, you would probably be correct, but I will for sure get baby brain and it will be real!
I have yet to find a midwife. Have I left it too late? Why are all the good sounding ones taken? Who took them? They’re literally the same week if not later than me, why do you have a midwife already? Don’t you consider the fact that you could miscarry? What are you going to do then? Give them a high-5 and say “thanks for the coffee date”, now you know something super personal about me and I only know that you have brown hair, wear glasses and shove your arm up a woman’s vagina for a living. Woah, calm down with your pessimism, I’m just annoyed that everyone I’ve looked at and like the sound of is gone.
I’ve worked in the O&G (obstetrics and gynaecology) department as a trainee intern (last year of medical school) so my knowledge is not super up to date, but I cannot comprehend this animosity between midwives and doctors. It’s totally a two way thing (some doctors need to rein it in and collaborate with their colleagues instead of being contemptuous), but also (and no hate towards midwives cause one of y’all delivering baby) I’ve seen situations where things go completely wrong and the opinion of a doctor is imperative and they may need on-call to have an emergency procedure. I would like to have the guarantee that if something went wrong, my midwife would react appropriate and calmly enough to be able to escalate my care (without animosity towards another health care professional) and I cannot tell this from a paragraph detailing how much you love babies and ride horses on the weekend. Also you look like your 12 in this photo so how much experience in a crazy situation do you actually have and what about the older woman who might be judgemental because she likes doing things the way she’s always done them despite new research that suggests the contrary?
How can I guarantee good care? How do I know that you’re going to be open about how I want to proceed with my pregnancy AND the postpartum care for my baby without judging me? I will of course breast feed to my best ability for 6 months or more, but what if I didn’t want to or what if I want to have water birth, but that’d be your first water birth and you’re not so confident about it or what if I want to birth at birth-care (a birthing facility in Auckland) and you’re not allowed to birth there? How do I know that in the face of an strong opinion I have (especially as a medical professional) you won’t just back down rather than offering me up to date advice to be sure I’ve made a well-informed decision?
This is my baby. This is a life, the first one of its kind, growing inside of me. A life that I have wanted since I was a baby myself – well not quite, but you know what I mean.
Why is it like I’m having to hold job interviews for a midwife and I’ve only got three to pick from? Why is this causing me so much anxiety? Why is this not a streamlined process? If the issue is funding, can we just give midwives more funding to increase training opportunities, because this is some ridiculous shit for a pregnant woman to experience.
Well, I have a meeting lined up with someone next week now and I’m reasonably comfortable that she will probably be okay I think.
I honestly pray that I like her.