My Not Pregnancy – Part 8

Crap.

We are here.

This is the week; the milestone; 12 weeks.

I spent the previous weekend in Wellington (New Zealand) for a friends wedding. As all my family are based in Wellington and my closest friends were going to be at this wedding, it was the perfect opportunity to let them know – this secret has been killing me! I’ve wanted to talk about it for so long, kind of like when you’re newly dating someone and everything is super exciting and fun until they do something weird or you’ve managed to stick it out for a whole year and now all you can think about is how they leave their socks on the ground constantly – not really a note worthy event to talk about in conversation anymore, they already know he rubs your feet and it gives you a thrill.

I’ve waited this long because of the threat of miscarriage. I don’t know how other first time mums-to-be are able to do it, do they usually wait or have they already told their closest friends and family by now? I just couldn’t run the risk of them being excited too and then being devastated in the face of a miscarriage. I still haven’t quite given myself in to the realities of having a baby because it’s not a certainty yet. I can’t allow myself to feel happiness yet, only practicality, until we get over this hump. I know 12 weeks isn’t the end-all, but it’s definitely the milestone and the risk is dramatically decreased after first trimester so being here is somewhat reassuring. By letting other people know over the weekend, my excitement and “woah-this is real” levels are starting to creep up.

My biggest hurdle during this time has been telling my Samoan grandfather. The history I have to compare it with is his reaction when my mum told him she was pregnant at the age of 21 and he proceeded to not speak with her for the entirety of the pregnancy. And yet, as soon as I was born he was all happy again and I have, of course, been his favourite every since (if my cousins and siblings are reading this, you know I’m joking and he loves us all equally, although I am a doctor so. . . just kidding! His next steps for me are to get a house, a Lamborghini, a donkey and to not worry about boys – whoops, tad too late for that Pops). He has definitely mellowed out as he’s aged which boded well, but my mum, aunty, uncle, other aunty, cousins and partner still attended the reveal just in case.

On hearing the news, his first response was to ask “and what does that mean?”. He sat for a while making random comments like “oh” and “how about that” and yet I could see his mind working and processing behind his eyes. I unfortunately, had an inability to keep my own mouth shut and neither did it seem could my mum – saying things like “it’s a baby!” and “you’re going to be great grand-parents!” and “God said it should happen so here we are!” My Uncle sat quietly in the chief’s seat (Pop’s normal seat), my partner was looking a bit glazed, my aunty was failing to hold in her tears (even though she already knew before the meeting) and my grandmother took the “oh well, I already knew this even though no-one told me” stance. Overall, it went well. My Pop came to the conclusion that life has to move on and whatever we do, life still moves on. He still talked to me, he enquired as to whether I was happy and made some jokes (which he doesn’t do if he’s angry) and then we continued about our day, myself, feeling especially joyous and somewhat uplifted now that those closest to me know and I can start grilling them about things I didn’t know I had no idea about before becoming pregnant – like where to birth (because you don’t just have to birth at home or the hospital – who would’ve thought?).

An emotional weekend. Did I mention I was the MC at my friend’s wedding as well? When I told them there was a lot of happiness but also a ‘light-bulb’ moment because they had indeed noticed that my breasts were particularly boisterous during the ceremony (I did try to hide them with my bouquet because no thank you this is a family event and I’m not looking to scare any older parents) – although, let’s be honest, I’m glad my tata’s finally had their uses in the low cut bridesmaid dress.

On a side note, I started having some bleeding on the Saturday. More like a light period so I’m not super concerned. I know it can be completely normal (because I was concerned at the time and had to quickly look it up). There’s no clots, I only need to use a few liners and there’s no point in getting worried about something that is more likely to be nothing. Obviously if it doesn’t stop, gets worse, there’s clots or I develop pain then I’ll have to look into it more. Right now there’s no point worrying. I’ve hit week 12 and I’m booking my second ultrasound when I get back to Auckland so I will just make sure it’s this week and I can feel reassured.

I’m staring to let myself be a little bit excited now.