There’s no getting over heartbreak, there’s no shoving it deep down and leaving it to fester. The reality is you just have to get through it; there’s no easy way, there’s no good or bad, wrong or right. I think the honest truth is that; however you heal, it’s going to be what is right for you at that time, you might get more hurt along the way, but you will learn and you just need to do you.
Friends and family are funny during this period. Lots of people will tell you different things, they’ll give their opinions, my favourite people are the ones that suggest things that have helped them but they don’t tell you what you need to do – they give you the space to decide for yourself. My closest friends are the ones that I can see that they disprove of what I’m saying I want to do, but they say “if that’s what you need” and they support me regardless. You also might realise who your true friends are and to be honest I had never really understood that concept before because my friend group has never been large, there was nothing overt they did but it was more what they didn’t do that really spoke volumes. I’m not one who is good for keeping in contact, but honestly, if you hear something might be happening to a friend of yours that you care about – just ask them how they’re going. They might say they’re all-good and they might be lying about it too, but the point is that they know you’ve reached out and they know that you are there for them if they need.
If I’m being honest, I didn’t really realise that I’d never experienced heartbreak before; specifically grief related to the ending of an intimate relationship. I’ve been in relationships in the past, one might say they’re my forte… or are they not because they always seem to end… In the last 12 years, I’ve had three relationships and only been single for 2 of those years. Before that, most of my time was spent thinking about boys, thinking about being in a relationship, getting married, having kids – I was a product of what young children were exposed to – princesses aren’t princesses without a prince, girls can’t function without boys, women need men to feel fulfilled and complete themselves. As the world, or my world at least, has started to realise in the last few years this is all bullshit. We’ve been hypnotised and groomed by a Eurocentric society where cis white men sit at the top. But I digress, that’s another story. The point was that I’ve never felt like this before and I’ve never understood what it might be like for someone else whose relationship had ended. My eyes have been opened and I wish they would’ve stayed closed to be honest.
When I originally wrote this post I listed a number of the things I was angry about. It would hit me at random times or would be triggered by reading a message, seeing a certain photo; the feeling of being f***ed around for the last three years. The only thing I will say is that we had three sessions of therapy, but if you’re not ready to engage in this then you’re not going to get much out of it. The only positive was our communication improved enough to unveil some of the real issues that were effecting our relationship; I wanted to and had been attempting to build a life with someone, and he wasn’t ready to do that and still needed to find himself. There’s a lot more to it, a lot I feel hurt by. Hindsight is a funny things sometimes.
I read recently “you are not responsible for the programming you received in childhood. As an adult, you are 100% responsible for fixing it”. I guess you can’t do that if you can’t identify that there’s something effecting you in the first place, it’s been hard carrying this on my own, at least before we fully split up. I felt it was better to not talk to my family and friends because I was worried they wouldn’t like him. I deserve better than the bare minimum, I deserve better than carrying a relationship by myself, I deserve better than having to wait around for someone to be present in a relationship. In the end I decided to remove the majority of things I originally wrote as I’m not ready to deal with the consequences of being completely honest with the world plus it doesn’t sit well with me to air something about someone else where they don’t have a say in what’s said and they can’t defend themselves.
People ask how I am and my standard response is “it’s a roller coaster”. All my emotions are continuously up and down, side ways and backwards. It’s f***ing hard
Brain knows and heart knows too… it just takes some time for heart to catch up and let go of the man we loved.