I have 206 entires in my Notes app under the folder labelled “blog”.
They are quick jottings over the course of two years when I first shot the bullet and started blogging – an external, physical space to pour the multitudes of thoughts and musings – imperative for an over-thinker like myself. A few have featured on my Instagram, some are paragraphs worth of content, others have only two sentences, most, however, have never seen the light of day. It’s a type of diary of my life and I’m thankful that as I change, grow, develop, I won’t be able to forget the challenges and the associated feelings. These are important lessons to be remembered that otherwise could get easily lost in the space of time and further experiences.
So in restarting, I had a number of options to choose from, but talking about a past experience didn’t seem fitting, I’ve been healing yes but what is at the forefront of my mind right now? What can I speak to and say with conviction at this moment?
I want to start with a letter to myself.
I’ve actually written two or three in the last three months – one prompted by myself when I first started shopping around for casual sex (oh yes that is a real story and I cannot wait to share) – this one was because I was worried about the possibility of losing myself again and I didn’t ever want that to happen, one I started as a blog post and never published, and another when I wasn’t in the best space but as homework from my therapist (oh yes see! There’s so many gaps to be filled in and fleshed out, but I’ll talk about my that another time)
This letter is a culmination of all of the above:
I felt you needed this letter, just in case. For those times where you’re feeling confused about something – let’s be honest, you’ll be confused about something to do with a man because being a heterosexual woman is the worst toxic trait. For those times when you need to remember how you are when you’re good, for when you’re not good. Either way it’s for you. There will be highs and there’ll definitely be lows because life is an absolute roller-coaster, and yet in all of those times you are and will always be
It’s important for you to know that…
No-one but you can decide your innate worth. No-one can take that from you, you alone hold that.
No-one but you gets to decide what you value, yes, you’re right, this can change, it can be adapted, but your values are yours.
No-one is entitled to you. No-one is entitled to your time, energy, effort, text responses, coffee dates, sex. Stop compromising for others you know wouldn’t do the same for you. Stop meeting people all the way.
You have and always will have power over yourself.
In regards to dating and men (because in my experience, if it’s not family, then it’s going to be men fucking you over): you can cut a date short if you’re not feeling it. You can leave if you feel uncomfortable, but also if you just aren’t interested. You don’t have to be stink about it, but you also don’t need to explain anything, you can make any excuses you want, you just do whatever is in your capacity at that time. They aren’t entitled to a consolation prize, they aren’t entitled to sex, at any point you are allowed to say no and it be adhered to.
We are fuck boi energy 101.
I know how much love you have to give, I know how hard you fall and how much energy and effort you invest. I also know how much that would absolutely quadruple when you’re being gifted the same. Remember that if someone wants to show effort they will. From the start. They won’t be doing the bare minimum, you won’t have to ask or plead or beg. And while we’re here, STOP APOLOGISING for being you! Stop apologising for your long sentences and big words, stop apologising for the concern and care you have for others and their experiences even if you’ve just met and even if you only want “casual”, stop apologising for asking questions – just allow them an option to say no or not to share if they are not comfortable to do so.
Yes, you are and can be intense, you’ve always felt the need to apologise for it or explain yourself because misogyny is real and men have been trying to control women for a long time – make us dour, make us palatable, meek and mild. You are intense and it’s a good thing. The right people will know what’s behind your intensity.
It’s okay that you have been hurt. Acknowledge that. Acknowledge that you have walls up now, you have been whole-hearted, a sieve of giving for so long and you will be for the people that deserve that type of attention and love. The walls are there to protect you. They will come down with the right person and until then… remember your boundaries (written down and always open for adjustment), remember your values (also on paper), and remember that learning and growing is life-long, you are worthy and have infinite value just as you are.
I love you so much.
I am so in awe of how you have been navigating the challenges over the last few years, you continue to flourish even when you didn’t want to, even when you asked God to stop giving you obstacles because you were too tired and they were too much.
You’re not sure where you are going or what’s going to happen and you are learning to be okay with that and enjoy the present moments. Often, that requires you to review what you actually want, your values and your boundaries and that’s why you’ve written them down! You’re only 27 but your memory is really giving you a run for your money.
Lastly, remember that I’ll always have your back. I’m ready to gas you up when you need it, ready to give you a dressing down when you need a whack too (always with love), but also in those times when I’m not available, when I don’t have the capacity to gas you up, never forget the amazing family and beautiful friends you have around you. I know that’s been hard for you – to further cultivate those relationships, but I’m so proud of you for trying and for actively doing so knowing that you needed a support network (and that’s what happens when your then-partner leaves you during a pandemic lockdown and cuts you off from contacting them – oops I said it 👀 but now we can be thankful for what it forced us to do)
You are loved.
You are valued.
You are worthy.
Periodt. No exceptions. No “…only when….” or “…but not if…”. I said periodt.
You’re are and always will be a bad bitch
even when you’re a mad bitch,
a sad bitch,
or even an anxious bitch,
I love you,