Catch me reflecting
It has been approximately one year since I started my journey of healing. I expected to enter a new vibration, I knew there would be a glow up – though it fucked me off when people would use that line as though to reassure me because it was super invalidating for what I was experiencing at the time – I know I’m going to be an amazing bitch up but I’m fucking sad right now Joan (FYI I’m pretty sure I don’t know a Joan)
A year ago, I did not expect to be able to stop loving someone, let alone cut them from all aspects of my life. I had honestly found acceptance that I would probably always love this person even if I got into something new so to realise one day that I no longer held such strong feelings was a huge surprise (though, coming to realise how poorly you were treated because you didn’t understand what a healthy relationship looked like will do that too and then finding out that your instinct was right and they had indeed played up will reaffirm your already lost feelings and your decision to no longer allow them access to you 🥴)
I did not expect that I would ever be able to have a good nights sleep again. The insomnia was my unwanted friend for number of months and it was one of the most draining experiences I have had that just kept building up over time. For anyone with insomnia; I’m so sorry 🙏🏽
I did not expect that the dimensional shift would include learning to confront my own toxic behaviours and attitudes. I did not know I was so problematic 👀😅 but in all seriousness, working out where those problematic behaviours stemmed from and being willing to work on them with no judgment to myself has been life changing.
I did not expect that I would still be hurt by men. That even if I did not want a relationship, they could still do or say things that would traumatise or trigger me in some way and, alongside the above, that led me along the path of trying to understand and heal my childhood self. Most recently, this has also led me into my new season attempting to heal my relationship with men in general.
Lastly, I did not expect the newfound knowledge and certainty in myself as an individual. The confidence and assuredness I have now is absolutely a result of coming to understand my worth. It is a result of writing out my values, writing out the things that are important to me and starting to live those things out rather than sidelining them for someone else. It is a result of being selective and nurturing relationships with people who I can trust implicitly to have my back. And it is a result of creating the safe, secure and loving space I was constantly looking for in others, in myself.
It has been a wild ride. Reflecting has given me such insights and having documentation of my own thoughts and feelings during that time has really emphasised the amount of growth I have done (I stan for journaling). I cannot always say I am grateful for the ride, but I can say that I am grateful to be where I am now and at this very moment; I have hope for the future ✊🏽