I am in a new season.
I can feel it.
There are a few things bouncing around in my mind palace hinting at what this season might entail, but I acknowledge that I won’t know it’s full purpose for sure until the next season starts to bloom. Will love find me? Will I cultivate more peace within myself? Will my friendships flourish? How much more will I grow? What other challenges will I encounter? I feel excitement, anticipation, and I can already feel that my heart is more open to love this season, regardless of whether it comes about or not, I can already feel it like a visceral change in my body.
In this transition and blooming of a new period, some reflection of the previous one is warranted.
“Making those acknowledgements was one of the most powerful realisations and pivotal occurrences in my healing journey…”
I will name my last season; CONFRONTATION – confrontation of my own self, of past behaviours, of learnt ways of thinking. It was a season of identifying, and starting to address my own toxic traits, learning to unlearn unhealthy habits, acknowledging my own contribution to poor outcomes in intimate partnerships; whether by mistrust of my own intuition, maintaining porous boundaries, seeing people for their potential rather than who they were presenting or allowing people free access to my energy. Making those acknowledgements was one of the most powerful realisations and pivotal occurrences in my healing journey, which occurred at one of my lowest points following heartbreak and the further away I move from that season, the more gratitude and understanding I have of it’s purpose.
Before I fully embrace this next phase, I want to share some of those things I wrote down; the way I identified where my contributons to unexpected outcomes occurred; the way in which I started to forgive myself. I want to share these as a release and also as an example, if you too find relation with some of them; perhaps they will help you to begin or push through your own period of gentle confrontation
In no particular order and relating to multiple different people and intimate interactions:
- I allowed my desire for companionship to force connection with someone who wasn’t a match for me (no similar interest or values and no real physical attraction)
- I pushed too fast for a deeper connection with someone because of my physical attraction and the potential I saw in him
- I pushed to make things work within a relationship despite all the warning signs 1) because I felt guilty for having sex before marriage and I thought if I stayed with the same person then somehow this would absolve me of sin and 2) because I was afraid to be alone
- I ignored my discomfort for the dream of him and ignored the person he was presenting to me
- I ended up with people who I had already rationalised I didn’t actually want, simply because I didn’t want another person to have them
- I allowed cycles to repeat themselves within a relationship with no consequences because I was scared of the alternative consequences (being alone)
- I compromised my own needs for someone else to keep them “happy”, I also prioritised their needs over spending them with my own family
- I made large sacrifices from the beginning without reciprocity and this trend continued for the entirety of our relationship (which also lead to 15k worth of debt 🤡)
- I created the foundations for our relationship by myself, which really was just a foundation for a one-sided relationship that which allowed it to continue with no input or investment from them
- I forgave indiscretion too fast rather than sitting with it and using it as a chance to re-evaluate the relationship. I also ignored the multiple messages from people indicating ongoing indiscretion because there was no solid “proof” and because I was so intent on being a forgiving person and looking past someone’s mistakes
- I would txt long messages stating a boundary rather than letting something sit until a face to face discussion could ensue
- I tried to have closure for every interaction that did not work out because I had unintentionally tied my worth to them, alternatively I could have simply disengaged when a standard wasn’t met
- In spite of the outright lies and warning signs, I still created potential scenarios in my head that meant I was disappointed and upset when those expectations were not met
These were all important to highlight. These are not all the things, and I am sure there will be more mistakes, but these were the ones at the forefront of my mind, that were weighing on me after nine years of laying unaddressed at the time. I wrote these down and it was like a weight off my shoulders – the admission that I had contributed to my own hurt.
“I look forward to… a heart that will always do its best. There is nothing more that I could ask of myself…”
I acknowledged that I did my best with the knowledge, skills and foresight I had available to me at the time. I did the best I could and I in acknowledging that, I found forgiveness for the person I had been. It did not mean all the emotions and hurt went away immediately, but it meant I had removed the boulder that I hadn’t even realised was stunting my own healing and growth. I know I may get hurt again in the future, but I know I will always do the best I can, and I can only learn to trust myself, that that hurt won’t be a result of the same old patterns
So for this new season; I look forward to having a heart that is more open to love, that is no longer terrified at the thought of a relationship, a heart that looks forward to meeting someone who aligns with them on all levels, that is continually learning and growing, a heart which knows it might make mistakes, but knows that it is always willing to check itself and a heart that will always do its best
There is nothing more that I could ask of myself in this new season, or the next