I’m not always in love.
Sometimes I want to punch mans in the face for breathing 😇
To expect being in love 24/7 is a myth. If you tell me otherwise then I’ll take that as the exception to the rule and maintain a discerning suspiciousness of your perception of your relationship.
I still know I love him. But in some moments, I’m not in love with him. And that’s okay.
I’ve been learning that navigating a relationship after cultivating self-sufficiency, independence, and contentment as an individual can be challenging. Even more so when previous experiences have led to you losing yourself in the pursuit of a picture-perfect happily ever after without truly considering the person you were seeking it with. A woman who sees the potential but not the man was my unbeknownst catch phrase.
So when you’ve got those things combined, in the moments when you’re tired, stressed, or triggered by something you hadn’t realised was a trigger, your body and mind are like back the fuck up!
- How dare you be trusting a man again.
- You can’t be an individual person anymore if you’re in a relationship.
- You’re going to lose yourself again just like you did all the other times.
- You thought all those other ones were great and look what happened
Fun fun fun.
It always comes back to the same things. You have to recognise how you’re feeling, how you’re reacting and why.
Be honest and ask whether there are legitimate, valid things right now that are contributing to these thoughts and feelings. That’s been your downfall in the past, checking yourself before checking someone else so ensure you’re truly assessing someone else’s contribution to how you are feeling – is their breathing annoying because it’s heavy and they refuse to blow their nose? Or are they breathing now they normally breath?
If you’ve done that, if it’s not actually a then issue, then check in on yourself with kindness. Remind yourself that you have done the work, no-one can truly take away all the investment you’ve placed in yourself. You are not the same person you were. You are discerning, you are willing to be honest with yourself and you have people around you that you can trust in those moments where you are truly confused and struggling to trust yourself.
Because that will happen, and that’s okay. Your confusion and feelings are reasonable and valid. You have been through the trenches and sometimes you get transported back there. But the biggest reminder is that this time is different. It’s not different because of the man (though he do be different 🤪🤪🤪).
No, the biggest difference is that when you were working on yourself, in the journey of healing and self-discovery, you cultivated relationships where you could show up fully and authentically as your whole self, where you experienced mutual energy exchanges, where you developed a sense of intrinsic trust and love that if you are ever truly scared and confused about your feelings, worried about regressing and losing all the gains you’ve made, these relationships will re-centre and ground you. They will be honest with you with love and sincerity and they will remind you of your inherent power and worthiness.
So I’m not always in love. But I’m learning to recognise the when’s, the whys and the what’s. And I am so grateful for the wonderful gals around me who get me back into drive when my mind and body are trying to back the fuck up.