Today I turned 30.

Today I turned 30.

I am child free.

I am not married.

My younger self thought I would have at least three kids, a rich marriage, and a doting husband by now

I have learnt that my desire for children was driven by a profound sense of purposelessness and I had thought being a mother would solve that.

I have learnt that my yearning to be wed stemmed from a fear of being alone but I soon realised that it was possible to feel lonely even when someone was right beside you.

“I am more content, more grateful, and more at peace with each passing year”

I have learnt that my dream of having my a family was fuelled by the feeling that I did not belong anywhere. I thought that I could create it by birthing it from my womb, when instead I gained the ability to cultivate that feeling anywhere once I learnt that it started from within myself.

Today I turned 30.

I do not own a home.

I live with my parents.

Once that would have shocked and upset me and although it is not my ideal situation, if I really wanted to I could have my own place. But I have come to learn what actually matters to me, things like exploration, travelling and sating my international curiosity take precedence, so those are deliberate choices I have made and I am okay with them.

Today I turned 30.

My body is stiff most days. My knees ache. My feet are often sore.

My limbs don’t stretch or bend the way they used to and it is an effort to not dwell on “used tos” and comparisons to my younger, more limber self.

I am the largest, most voluptuous and meaty I have ever been.

I hurt my back in an actual debilitating, needed-to-take-time-off-work, couldn’t-walk-for-a-few-days kind of way, last year. It actually occurred twice, which was more than all the previous years combined.

“I am also the hottest I have ever been”

I also sleep with a night mask every single night. It is not the delicate type – more the heavy duty, google-like, extension-of-your-face kind that blocks out all traces of light, because my mind cannot sleep if even a sliver is visible.

Whilst all of the above are things are true, it is also true that I am more content, more grateful, and more at peace with each passing year.

I am more aligned with the person I am and who I was always supposed to be.

I am more mindful and intentional towards myself than ever before (regardless of those aches and pains).

I feel more loved than I have ever felt before (which is not reflective of the number of people in my life, but the quality).

And I am also the hottest I have ever been (which is reflective of my mindset)

Today I turned 30.

I have only just started separating my lights from my darks.

I use baskets for different types of clothes so I do not have to fold them.

I still drop food on most of my clothing too.

I stay up late procrastinating sleep, always promising to do better the next day only to do it again.

My social battery needs regular refilling.

” I still drop food on my clothing too”

I am currently questioning my career choices; weighing up the pros and cons of transitioning now or holding out till the next stage.

The only notifications I receive on my phone are from txts, calls and messenger – anything else spikes my anxiety levels.

Technology regularly confuses me and I use google frequently for all my questions.

Some might say the above is someone who is undisciplined or lazy. I call it self-aware.

I also acknowledge that multifaceted girlies can be all of the above and then some.

If we were to bring “success” into it, I would say that my measure of success is not related to my productivity and output. Resting is a success. Self-care is a success. Prioritising my own happiness and joy is a success.

Today I turned 30.

I have stated wearing pink and it looks good on me.

I have learnt to do my own make up.

I am working through my triggers.

” I am still here. I am still trying.”

I am getting better at recognising when I am gaslightling myself.

I still get up every day (even if it is later than expected).

I am still here.

And I am still trying.

Today I turned 30 and I am genuinely looking forward to this next era.

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