TW/CW: this topic talks openly about some sexual perceptions and experiences and may be quite confronting. Please read with care.
I never intended for this to be a three part series, but similar to life; things rarely go as planned, and perhaps it is almost laughable that I thought one of the most significant revelations of my adulthood could be reduced to a few paragraphs and lines.
If this is your first experience here, then please read Part One and Two for context. To recap, I’ll start with some truths:
My first truth is that I did not have my first orgasm till I was 26 years old.
My second truth is that for several years I thought I was being punished for having sex outside of marriage and that once I got married this would miraculously change. This was partially the reason why I remained in unhealthy relationships that did not serve me.
The reality is, I carried the guilt and shame of mainstream media, patriarchal society, and colonial christianity for 26 years of my life and I am still learning to undo this. This series is an ode to my younger self and a dedication to all of those who resonate with this too, who are wanting to embark on or ignite their own journey’s of unlearning and healing their beautiful, wonderful, sensual selves.
Cue, hoe phase.
Hoe Phase
As a reminder to my younger self: ain’t nothing wrong with being a hoe.
It is not shameful. It is not bad. It doesn’t make you any less worthy and the only way it will effect your desirability is for those who do not deserve to be graced by your presence or receive your energy in the first place. Body count is irrelevant and it has no bearing on your value.
This was one of the most necessary and empowering times of my life. As someone who was not strictly raised within the church, I didn’t realise how heavily the human-voiced opinions of God weighed on the expectations I had of myself and shaped my thought processes and behaviours.
- If my perception was that sex was bad before marriage and the only way I could think to overcome that was to commit unwaveringly to anyone I had sex with, then how could I ever ensure my needs were being met in a relationship (both sexually and in general)? – hence, why prioritising your own pleasure is simply one step to prioritising yourself
- How could I let go of relationships that were no longer serving me when I thought eternal damnation was waiting for me (or at least damnation from other religious participants)?
- If I thought that no man would ever want me if I was perceived as promiscuous then how could I ever explore my own sensuality (even outside of sex)? – it impacted the way I dressed, the way I behaved, and how I presented myself to the world; limiting my own potential.
“Being a hoe is a transcendant era… It is the realisation that you have the ability to choose, you are allowed to set boundaries and expect them to be respected, communication is normal and essential, feeling emotionally safe is a standard and no-one is ever owed any part of you. Ever.”
This period was an era of evolution and transformation. There was healing that occurred, but wounds were also uncovered in the process. Take your time, there is no need to rush, check in with yourself and your intentions too (e.g. are you having sex because it’s fun or because you’re trying to escape from your emotions or other aspects of your life?). When I first started having casual sex, I experienced this weird phenomena where the words “I love you” would always form on my lips even though that was absolutely not the case. I realised that, within previous partnerships, sex had been one of the only avenues where I was given affection, attention and love. This took some time to process and I had to ensure I wasn’t prematurely attaching myself to people as a result. Other experiences I had had within relationships also came to light and having a therapist during this time was essential to prevent myself from seeking refuge from these emotions with more physical contact and so I didn’t lost myself in the process.
This period was an era of revelations and pleasure. I realised that having an emotional connection was important to me e.g. physical attraction was irrelevant if I hated their voice or opinions, and having an emotional connection didn’t mean I wanted to be in a relationship with them. I realised that I often wouldn’t orgasm the first time and that shifting my expectations to enjoyment rather than climax helped reduce disappointment whilst still enjoying myself. I also realised that my preferences were not limited to men.
This period was an era of liberation and empowerment. But it was also challenging and at times, traumatic. It gave me the opportunity to assert and uphold my boundaries, but I had to assert and uphold my boundaries. I gained confidence to speak up (such as explaining what I liked or suggesting the incorporation of toys etc.) but I also needed the confidence to voice my feelings and thoughts when I was uncomfortable or no longer wanted to proceed with physical contact – either within the moment, but also in situations like no longer wanting contact with someone who knows where you live and you live by yourself (in this example, I ended it over txt, stated my reasons why and then I moved house which was serendipitous because I just happened to be moving to a different hospital house that day – but hence why you don’t let just anyone come to your house), or strangers expecting you to come over at 10pm without meeting in person first and then sending multiple messages about how you were build ups, how that was unfair etc. etc. (I blocked them and talked to a friend who validated my actions). I learnt how to ensure I was prioritised in a shared space, but I also learnt to check in with myself, I learnt to say no, and I learnt that how I felt was important.
Being a hoe is a transcendant era, a time to honour the majesty of your body and allowing someone else to share that too. It is an immense privilege for anyone to have the opportunity to worship your physical body, which does not mean engaging with anyone and everyone. It is the realisation that you have the ability to choose, you are allowed to set boundaries and expect them to be respected, communication is normal and essential, feeling emotionally safe is a standard and no-one is ever owed any part of you. Ever.
“We are absolutely deserving of the most wonderful, safe, secure, intimate experiences, whether it be a one-night-stand, a three-way, an on-going situationship, a relationship, or any other type of ship”
And because I was so depleted from the complete soul-sucking years I had given to men, I also realised that I have no interest and do not enjoy giving blow jobs or hand jobs so I didn’t. When I was ready to go home I did. If I didn’t want to have sex with someone I didn’t (even if they tried to guilt trip me or make me feel like it was owed to them).
Then one day I met this man whose sole focus was on giving me pleasure. Who didn’t need to climax himself to feel enjoyment. Who treated me with respect every single time. Who was comfortable talking about expectations and boundaries and upheld them with me. It was like everything I had ever thought should be correct and that I had been asserting for myself was suddenly confirmed (wow men really can be giving and respectful and kind consistently – as they should). It just highlighted what I was sure was true in terms of the way men and women are taught to view pleasurable experiences from a patriarchal perspective and we are absolutely deserving of the most wonderful, safe, secure, intimate experiences, whether it be a one-night-stand, a three-way, an on-going situationship, a relationship or any other type of -ship.
At the end of the day, these are only reflections and suggestions. Do what works for you, what feels right and what aligns with your highest self. And if you’re reading this, please know these 5 things;
- Your pleasure is a priority, but if you don’t know what works for you then how is anyone else supposed to know?
- Ain’t nothing wrong with being a hoe – body count is irrelevant.
- Sex is an umbrella term – maybe it’s penetration, maybe it’s side by side or mutual masturbation, maybe the focus is pleasure rather than climax, it can only be defined by whoever is involved.
- Your body is yours and yours alone – giving consent is a constant process, you are allowed to exercise your boundaries without guilt.
- You are deserving of the most wonderful, safe, respectful, and mind-blowing experiences always.
So go forth and facilitate your own nut, with or without someone else.
I’m rooting for you.
Cheeky Appendix
These are a few of the tools I have utilised on my journey into self-pleasure, there are no doubt many more so please feel free to leave comments about what you find helpful too or send me a DM and I can add your suggestions in the comments instead!
- ATMS i.e Adult Toy mega Store: NZ based (but delivery open to several other countries), discrete packaging, free shipping >$150 (which you can very easily spend), easy to navigate and aesthetically pleasing website, excellent brands available, awesome reviews and there are always sales or freebies. ATMS also releases a regular blog that can help to demystify and destigmatise pleasure.
- Dipsea: “sexy audio stories and intimate wellness sessions to help you find joy and confidence in and out of the bedroom”. Available via website or phone app. I personally loved the guided self-touching audios. It took away my ability to overthink as I focussed on listening to and following the words, which meant I was more present in the moment and was a good place to start when exploring manual technique for the first time. This could be tried alone or with a partner (they can help by stimulating everything else). Their audio stories are also great if you enjoy listening to a story, want a slow or fast paced build up and are not limited to heterosexual encounters.
- Girls Get Off: “female focussed sex toy brand”. Australian based, home of the Missy and Tiff. Similar in make and model to the Satisfyer Pro 2 and Kama respectively in a cute pink tone. I personally love their Juicee (lubricant) and Cleanies (cleaning wipes) due to their easy functionality and discreteness.
- Hysterical Literature: initially conceived as an online project which explores the limits of art and sexuality in a series of aphrodisiacal videos of women reading i.e. where each female participant choose a book and reads out loud until the sexual stimulation from an under the table Hitachi Magic Wand (clinical vibrator) is such that they lose the ability to form coherence sentences. This was recommended to me from one of the gals and is probably one of my favourite things to watch if I am wanting a different type of visual or audio stimulation. Would highly recommend.
- Kama: one of the most popular clitoral stimulators on ATMS with a 4.7 rating out of 406 reviews, the second toy I ever purchased for myself, can be used in the shower/bath (but always use with a lubricant), added benefit of G-spot stimulation and the ability to deliver every . single . time.
- OMGYES: I first found OMGYES from some sort of panel or interview delivered by Emma Watson a.k.a. Hermione Granger, a.k.a Belle from Beauty and the Beast so you know it is legit. OMGYES is “the leading evidence-based resource about women’s sexual pleasure”. It is a website and a one off subscription will give you access to a whole lot of evidence-based, practical, applicable content by women! If anything is going to make you feel more comfortable and confident with self-pleasure, give you an opportunity to explore new techniques to use solo or even provide suggestions for partner play – this is the place to be. They even have videos, and interactive tools too!
- OnlyFans: a place to support the girls or the boys which can not only give access to more consensual, realistic sexual encounters (solo or partnered), but is also a place of learning new techniques and skills for receiving and giving pleasure. Also fun to explore with a partner as well!
- Satisfyer Pro 2: if you haven’t heard of the Satisfyer Pro 2 yet, this is absolutely one of the most essential sex toys for your arsenal, much like all those cans of beans in your cupboard that only get used when you’re low on food and money, this is an absolute staple. Reliable, sturdy, dependable. The Satisfyer Pro 2 has a 4.8 rating out of over 2000 reviews on ATMS. Talked about by all the gals (or at least the ones I follow), she will never let you down (unless your ex breaks the charger just before you break up and you only get one life out of her before she RIPs – but that’s the exception to the rule). She’s also a great option to use during penetrative sex and an easy segue into the world of sex toys with a partner.
Brittany Tasesa 