TW/CW: this topic talks openly about some sexual perceptions and experiences and may be quite confronting. Please read with care.

1. Self-Pleasure
2. Cheeky Appendix

If I could say anything to my younger self on the topic of pleasure, I would say this:

1. There is absolutely nothing wrong or shameful about masturbation – it’s healthy, it’s a good way to de-stress, and it’s fun!
2. There is also, absolutely nothing wrong with being a hoe: hoe phases can help you explore more of your pleasures, whilst also learning that sex is not equivalent to just male climax; it is not defined by penile penetration of a vagina, it is not limited to monogamy and orgasms are not always a necessity for enjoyment.

“Every pleasurable experience … is a fuck you to the colonisers and the patriarchy”

I would tell my younger self to put aside the words of the church, the magazines, the actors on TV, the characters written by cis-male authors, and I would reiterate that self-pleasure is simply a form of connecting to yourself on a deeper lever; a mindfulness experience practicing more intuitive and intentional listening to your own bodies needs and desires.

If you are looking for the context to this, please refer to Part One which highlights some of the instigating situations to this journey. A journey that is on-going, life-long (as most things are these days) and sometimes really hard (and not just in the sexual sense). If it makes you feel any better, also consider that every pleasurable experience you have is a fuck you to the colonisers and the patriarchy. Self-pleasure is decolonisation, sex that priorities you is feminism, and enjoyable intercourse is one of many experiences your ancestors would have wanted for you.

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Self-Pleasure

Let’s first talk about self-pleasure. As mentioned in Part One, my first orgasm was with the shower-head, candles, and mood lighting at 26 years of age, prompted by a a video I had seen on Facebook from an American woman explaining what a clitoris was and how most female orgasms could not be achieved through penetration alone. Wow, did that validate me; a light switch moment, a sudden realisation thatI was not broken, I was not being punished by God, marriage to an inferior man was not going to help me achieve climax and the real issue was this male-centred depiction of pleasure that had me denying myself the entire time.

“Through it all, you are valuable, you remain inherently worthy, and you are not alone.”

The reality is that shame towards women, in any respect, is readily available and affluent within society. The process of unlearning, destigmatising and freeing ourselves from all the boxes that have been places around us can be long and difficult. So be kind to yourself, be gentle, take your time, mistakes are simply an opportunity to learn and to know whole-heartedly that through it all, you are valuable, you remain inherently worthy, and you are not alone.

Start in the shower or in the bedroom, behind locked doors, light candles, put music on, start with an erotic novel or maybe an audio book (see dipsea in “cheeky tools” below), tune in to some ethical porn (see Hysterical Literature). Start with the shower head, start with the electric toothbrush (IYKYK), start with your fingers or start with toys (see ATMS). If that sounds overwhelming, take it step by step, one option at a time, focus on pleasure and fun rather than orgasm. Or just start by being open or exposing yourself to or initiating conversations – you might be surprised by how willing to chat your friends might be, try following people online who encourage and explore self-pleasure in a safe and empowering manner – I will be forever grateful to Cushla (@flowswith_cush on IG) and Holly-May Neho who were some of the first wāhine I followed who helped to normalise these conversations and experiences.. Because if beautiful, indigenous women are talking openly about sex then how could I ever feel ashamed for doing the same?

“There is something inherently powerful and magical about knowing you can meet your own needs sexually.”

The more I learnt and explored, the more comfortable, safe and confident I felt to listen to what resonated with my body and soul. There is something inherently powerful and magical about knowing you can meet your own needs sexually.

Furthermore, being more in tune with myself, meant I was more able to translate this to someone else.

It was my hoe phase that helped to put this into action.

Stay tuned for Part Three.

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Cheeky Appendix

These are a few of the tools I have utilised on my journey into self-pleasure, there are no doubt many more so please feel free to leave comments about what you find helpful too or send me a DM and I can add your suggestions in the comments instead!

• ATMS i.e Adult Toy mega Store: NZ based (but delivery open to several other countries), discrete packaging, free shipping >$150 (which you can very easily spend), easy to navigate and aesthetically pleasing website, excellent brands available, awesome reviews and there are always sales or freebies. ATMS also releases a regular blog that can help to demystify and destigmatise pleasure.

• Dipsea: “sexy audio stories and intimate wellness sessions to help you find joy and confidence in and out of the bedroom”. Available via website or phone app. I personally loved the guided self-touching audios. It took away my ability to overthink as I focussed on listening to and following the words, which meant I was more present in the moment and was a good place to start when exploring manual technique for the first time. This could be tried alone or with a partner (they can help by stimulating everything else). Their audio stories are also great if you enjoy listening to a story, want a slow or fast paced build up and are not limited to heterosexual encounters.

• Girls Get Off: “female focussed sex toy brand”. Australian based, home of the Missy and Tiff. Similar in make and model to the Satisfyer Pro 2 and Kama respectively in a cute pink tone. I personally love their Juicee (lubricant) and Cleanies (cleaning wipes) due to their easy functionality and discreteness.

• Hysterical Literature: initially conceived as an online project which explores the limits of art and sexuality in a series of aphrodisiacal videos of women reading i.e. where each female participant choose a book and reads out loud until the sexual stimulation from an under the table Hitachi Magic Wand (clinical vibrator) is such that they lose the ability to form coherence sentences. This was recommended to me from one of the gals and is probably one of my favourite things to watch if I am wanting a different type of visual or audio stimulation. Would highly recommend.

• Kama: one of the most popular clitoral stimulators on ATMS with a 4.7 rating out of 406 reviews, the second toy I ever purchased for myself, can be used in the shower/bath (but always use with a lubricant), added benefit of G-spot stimulation and the ability to deliver every . single . time.

• OMGYES: I first found OMGYES from some sort of panel or interview delivered by Emma Watson a.k.a. Hermione Granger, a.k.a Belle from Beauty and the Beast so you know it is legit. OMGYES is “the leading evidence-based resource about women’s sexual pleasure”. It is a website and a one off subscription will give you access to a whole lot of evidence-based, practical, applicable content by women! If anything is going to make you feel more comfortable and confident with self-pleasure, give you an opportunity to explore new techniques to use solo or even provide suggestions for partner play – this is the place to be. They even have videos, and interactive tools too!

• OnlyFans: a place to support the girls or the boys which can not only give access to more consensual, realistic sexual encounters (solo or partnered), but is also a place of learning new techniques and skills for receiving and giving pleasure. Also fun to explore with a partner as well!

• Satisfyer Pro 2: if you haven’t heard of the Satisfyer Pro 2 yet, this is absolutely one of the most essential sex toys for your arsenal, much like all those cans of beans in your cupboard that only get used when you’re low on food and money, this is an absolute staple. Reliable, sturdy, dependable. The Satisfyer Pro 2 has a 4.8 rating out of over 2000 reviews on ATMS. Talked about by all the gals (or at least the ones I follow), she will never let you down (unless your ex breaks the charger just before you break up and you only get one life out of her before she RIPs – but that’s the exception to the rule). She’s also a great option to use during penetrative sex and an easy segue into the world of sex toys with a partner.