It’ll affect me at the most random times.
When I least expect it, not when the young child is practicing his drawings with his mum, not when the pregnant woman rubs her protruding belly. Maybe because I’ve already hardened myself to those obvious triggers. I do a quick look, I don’t linger, I don’t think about it more and then I forget.
But the other day I started crying in the shower. I’m not even sure why. I let myself cry and I let myself feel and when I was ready I let it go.
Something that I always allow myself in relation to baby is grief, without the negativity. I never blame myself, because I know it’s not my fault, It can and does happen to everyone (1 in 4 women in fact!), I don’t think “what if?”, I don’t get angry and think I should have done something differently, because I also recognise the blessing that our baby was and still continues to be in our lives. He (dedicating him to a he/his pronoun) helped bring his parents closer together, he helped them grow as individuals, sparking his mother to reclaim herself and her identity which she had been missing for a long time without realising it, and he helped us to reprioritise what was actually important to us and not what we had been putting first in our lives.
There is still definite heart ache and grief, and it comes on at the most random times, but there’s also acceptance and thankfulness for the wonder and wakefullness that he brought me.
I know it will always be something I feel sad about, it’ll affect me at the most random times, and that’s okay, I am also grateful and I know when I have other children, they will know their older brother who is always looking out for them.